Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s freedom of expression.

Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN

Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

HEY JALAPENOS!

Me doing the macarena dance

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: It’s a surprise!

Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’

‘Sure, just hold the butter.’

Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”