I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
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“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano