I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
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I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Never let them know your next move 😂
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.