Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.

Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”

Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.

Fat chances are my favorite chances

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.

Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”

God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

There’s no “us” in nachos.

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.