bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
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Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!