Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine

Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.

My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*

Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address

[2025]

Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards

If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…

“I hate confrontation”

“No, you don’t”

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.