I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
You Might Also Like
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.