I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
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At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Terribly Tuesday.
