I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
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I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.