I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
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Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
