I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
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I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando