I have obtained a hat
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if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
🤣🤣🤣
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.