I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
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I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four