I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
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GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “keith@fbi.gov”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Why do meteors always land in craters?
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
A collection of me turning into random objects.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Body by Oreos
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me