Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said

I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.

Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body

My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream

Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”

Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁

My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same

This kid is a star!

I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback

*Leave

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990

If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost

If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.

there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?

me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing

How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb