Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.

when someone compliments me

My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.

For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught