I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
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Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
This could’ve been an email.
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paddle faster i hear baby shark
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
What if all the cashiers are married?
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As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
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Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.