I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
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Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
