You Might Also Like
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
#SaturdayBears
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
#StillHurts
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton