Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.

Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?

How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day

People at Costco really need to be less sensitive

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism

I’m awake but I object,

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now

a dragon: i see

Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.

So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today