Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

*seductively corrects your posture*

“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”