I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
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My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Wolves should really raise more people.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan