I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
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I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
everyone’s a critic
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?