I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
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Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Rather alarming headline…
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.