Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?

me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise

netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures

me: absolutely not

netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS

me: this is my worst nightmare

It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering

My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.

Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?

Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

[job interview]

Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?

Me: Sure, go ahead

Interviewer: [dials number]

Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)

if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.

Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.

me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!

Mississippi: *crying*