Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow

Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.

Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?

When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.

My favorite female superhero

i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!

(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?

(knock, knock)

He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!

*My pizza delivery guy.

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.