I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
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FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Breakfast for Stoners:
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day