Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.

everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares

Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!

Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?

Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“MOOSE!!!”

“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”

When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.

Wife: Have you considered therapy?

Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career

Wife: *stabs me

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife

Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

Know your customer. Think like an idiot.

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”

It was nice knowing you all.