i have one speed and it’s mosey
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I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
The Friday File.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa