i have one speed and it’s mosey
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Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.