Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs

millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.

well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that

[At auto store]

Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?

“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

LUKE: any weekend plans?

OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga

LUKE: omg I have to warn him

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill