Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.

Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.

Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants

Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”

She says “Burger King.”

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze