I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
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Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…