Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks

*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…

Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late

What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

When I said I liked it rough.

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”

ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.

SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?

ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?

SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.

ME: *nervously* Oh

*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?

dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.