I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Wait a second…
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
choose your fighter
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
