I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
This is enough internet for the day.
