I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
