Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”

Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain

*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips

my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?

BOSS: What?

ME: I’m writing an email

BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!

ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it

probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.

You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!

so weird how every mom was born today

Seems a bit forward

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

– playing “Is it cake? –

Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”

From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.