I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
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Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
We need to put an American base on the sun
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.