I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
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I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner