Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE

ㅤ

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”

I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It

I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️

If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

This isn’t going to end well for you.

– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying

Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?

Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.