I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
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My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did