Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

No one:

My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing

drive thru: can I take your order?

me: no I want it

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️

pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off

shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie

Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.

Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.