Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need one washer for the sink

Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.

Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..

Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

Windows

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.

“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”

– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me

*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

incredible text to wake up to

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight 🙂

seriously you guys

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake