I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
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We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
asked my bf how work was today
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I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
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*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
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No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.