Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)PRINT

Printer)No

Me)PRINT!!!

Printer)Here’s 8,000

I feel this so hard

Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer

Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

her: did you know Weezer covered Africa

me: [impressed] with what

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

I have no words

~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear

No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.

I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.

Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*

Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

Oh I’m heartbroken over you

Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine

In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”