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[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.