I have questions??
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The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.