Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

A 27yo asked me to come home with him!

I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!

Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.

Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

i really liked this one

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon

*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick