I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
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Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Why font matters.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback