I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
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The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.