Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.

Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.

Alexa; make it look like an accident

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

Your wife is beautiful, is she single?

now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.

To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.

When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower

One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.