Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys

This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

Net flips and krill?

– killer whale text

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.

– me flirting

Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.

It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.

Just go around me, man.

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

bro what is going on at twitter

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner