Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

Boss: Can I see you in my office?

Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try

going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money

maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you

“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.

Canadian up.

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.

{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar

I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight

Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*

My gynecologist: can you not?

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.