I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
You Might Also Like
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Printer ink is expensive
[eats all your cotton candy]
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Is….Is this an option?
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Help
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
A Monday every week is excessive
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.