I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
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They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I hope Alan is OK
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.