I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
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Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
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texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Weighing up my bread heating options
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*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.