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[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
bro, you’re fine. you just need an impossible sequence of events to play out in perfect order against all odds and you’ll be fine
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
accurate
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”