You Might Also Like
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Baller is short for ballerina
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I’m sure it’s fine.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues