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Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?