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Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”
siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”
siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”
siri google “syria where that is”
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end