You Might Also Like
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them