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My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
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My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.