I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
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don’t we all
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.