Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
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*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet