Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out

Pikachu found the lost joint

My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.

People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

the simulation is moving too fast

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times

If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks