I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
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Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.