I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
You Might Also Like
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
mmm onion ringos
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people