I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
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[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
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Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
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ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”