I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
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Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.