I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
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My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Raisins are grape jerky.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
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My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Cucumbers Anonymous
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