Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)

Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?

– Beaver

They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people

All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?

ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone

Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.

a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick

Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess

This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.