I have so many questions.
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Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.