I have so many questions.
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Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Interior design 👌
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*